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Going through the big D (and don't mean divorce)

This topic is something I have debated writing about many times.

Depression is a real thing.
Depression isn't just feeling sad. It's a deep, dark place that can be sooo hard to climb out of.
Not many people know this about me, but I struggle with depression.
I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember.
My life as a child was different than most children.  I carried a BIG, BAD secret for years.
It's something I still can't talk about to this day. Something I don't know if I can ever speak in words the unspeakable things that I went through. This BIG, BAD  "thing" is the reason for my depression.
At the age of 16, I was taken from my parents and placed in Foster Care.
For the first time in forever I what it was like to have peace and security.
My entire family disowned me. By the time I was 17 I was headed to  my 4th foster home and 3rd High School. This is hard for anyone, but it was very hard on me.  I felt like no one in the world cared about me.
. I was so depressed.  I remember one day sitting at the edge of a pond contemplating living.
I couldn't bare another flashback, another new school, another new home. I feared doing or saying anything, afraid I upset the Foster Parents and get moved yet again.  Mostly I feared people would find out what I went through.
 I just couldn't  take it anymore!
 I shut down and went into a deep  depression.
 I was hospitalized for my depression.  They started me on medicine for depression and I slowly started to coming out of my darkness. After a month I was well enough to go back to my Foster Home. Through the years I have been on and off of medications for depression.  A few months ago I started getting really depressed again   So I called the doctor and got back on my medicine.  It is helping A LOT. I still have days every once in a while that I just want to hide under the sheets and sleep the day away. When I feel like that I try to do something that the kids will really enjoy , like going to the park or if the weather's bad we do a movie marathon and I let the kids pick all of the movies

 Depression is not something I'm proud of AT ALL! It's something I'm embarrassed about it and I feel very guilty about.

I know this isn't a typical type of post for me.
I felt like I needed to say it. I hope it helps someone else who reads this!
If you struggle with depression, just know you are not alone!!!
I am here. I can totally relate!


Larri said...

I never had the kind of depression you are experiencing, though I did suffer from depression after my second child was born. It was debillitating. I understand what you are going through. It probably sounds crazy, but I really think we're under spiritual attack when we're suffering from depression. Stay close to our Lord...and keep taking your meds. They do help.

I found a prayer at that you can pray when you're feeling you need Him.

Oh Lord, as I sit here in the middle of all my mess, I don't

have much strength or energy to pray. But I'm lifting up my head and my eyes to You because I know deep in my heart that You have the power to do all things. I believe that You want me to be happy and healthy more than I do. And I know you have a good plan for my life.

God, as I bring you my pain, please turn it into something good. Please heal me. Your Word says that ALL things work together for good to those who love You and are called according to Your purpose. Let my healing be a testimony to all the GREAT things you do every day.

I just raise my head to thank you Lord. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for loving me enough to take care of me. And thank you for showing me what I need to do to feel better.

I ask and receive everything in Jesus' name. AMEN!

Covering you in prayer, Nancy. (((HUGS)))

Design Lab 443 said...

Thank you for sharing.... try to stay strong and look to your future. No reason to look back at the bad things, look forward to the bright life you have with your wonderful kids.

Pink said...

Don't ever feel guilty about depression . It's a medical condition. I'm so sorry you are going through this tough time. ((((hugs)))))

Deanna said...

The truth shall set you free.

Thank you for being willing to share and speak out on this most important topic. People are willing to talk about cancer or diabetes, but, somehow, psychological "illness" is a deep, dark secret that makes people feel squeemish.

I commend your courage (past and present). One thing that has helped me in my own struggles is the thought that came to me one day that "you are not what has happened to you." I don't know if that will make sense to you, but maybe it will.

Kerrie P. said...

So very generous of you to be so honest for all of the people in our little world that stuggle with depression. Glad to hear you are seeking help.

Paxton said...

Depression IS a real thing and I am glad you hadnthe courage to get help instead ofn styling it alone. I hope someday you will be able to talk about the "big bad secret" not all of our dirty laundry needs to be aired online. But sometimes having something be a secret makes it more a part of the hurt and depression we have and only through truth and honesty can we finally let something rest and leave it I. The past and in our Saviours hands where it belongs. I lived with many secrets in my life and still find myself battling some of them on a daily basis, but only when I have made them secret no more, do I find myself healing.
God bless you and may you find peace!

Liz said...

Well done for sharing. I have had patches of depression in my life and I know how difficult it can be, although it sounds like you've suffered badly with it.

Depression isn't something to feel embarrassed or guilty about - it's a chemical imbalance in your brain and is no more something to feel bad about than if you had thyroid problems - or a broken leg, come to that!

I'm glad the medication is helping you and hope it continues to do so. Take care of yourself x

Anonymous said...

Right now, I know how you feel. Right now I'm using moodscope ( register how bad I'm feeling, and I realise now that I tend to cover it up very well. So much that it has become a habit. The only thing that is getting me through this is that this is only a phase, and I will survive it. And always will survive it.